BACK IN THE BLACK: THE BEETLE RETURNS
by Jacob and Caleb Chabot
SCENE 1- ELABORATE VILLAINS LAIR- soldiers
with guns, beefed up threatening
Eradicator, girl tied to a chair.
Eradicator- AT LAST! MY PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION HAS COME TO FRUITION! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Beetle (off screen)- Not so fast, Eradicator!
Camera pans over to reveal a pumped up, sleek, imposing Beetle with high tech weaponry (nipples?) in dramatic pose.
Eradicator- Gasp! (He says gasp) The Beetle! He will ruin my lifeís work and maybe even slap me around a little! Guards, seize him!
*Fight scene with the Beetle pulling
some remarkable moves spouting witty banter
Reaction shot of the Eradicator hiding under a table, wincing as the fight ensues
After the Beetle dispatches the goof troop, he runs up to the Eradicator who is firing a machine gun and delivers a powerful blow knocking the Eradicator back several feet and rendering him unconscious. The girl runs up to him and hugs him.
Girl- My hero!
Beetle-Aw shucks! Twernt nuthiní. All in a day's work for the Beetle.
SCENE 2- FADE IN TO THE BEETLE DAYDREAMING AT A DESK.
Beetle- Man! My life is just chock full of this powerful stuff! Wait till Hollywood gets a load of me.
He starts typing. Shot of a clock ticking by.
Beetle- Well, thatís enough for today.
Cut to mostly blank page except for a title, scene one typed, maybe some doodles.
The Beetle walks over to a small shoebox.
Beetle- Hey Abraham Lincoln Lad! Get up! Youíve got to pack! We leave for Hollywood today rememb. . . SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!
SCENE 3-HOSPITAL, FRONT DESK
Beetle (carrying flowers and balloons)-Iím here to see a friend of mine, Abraham Lincoln Lad.
Desk attendant-Iím afraid your friend has passed on.
Beetle- What! How could this happen! Heís- heís dead?
Attendant-As a doornail. Iím sorry. You can help yourself to some hot coffee in our lounge.
Beetle-He was so vibrant and full of life just last night, and now heís. . . dead.
Attendant-(chuckles) no, in actuality heís very much alive. I was just yanking your chain the whole time.
Beetle- The whole time?
Attendant- The whole time. In fact, heís right here. (He whips Abraham Lincoln Lad up from under the desk) Here you go, whoops! (Almost drops him)
Beetle (snatching A.L.L.)- Give me that! (Scowls at doctor)
Beetle (walking out, muttering to A.L.L.)-I donít know why I even bothered. Theyíre all a bunch of quacks here.
The attendant watches him leave and then quickly dials the phone
Attendant-Hello psych ward? Are you guys busy? Iíve got someone in need of your attention.
SCENE 4- BACK AT THE BEETLE LAIR
Beetle- Well Abraham Lincoln Lad, while you were slacking off watching soaps and feasting upon Jell-O, Iíve been hard at work. I finished the script for The Beetle: The Movie and packed all of our stuff into the Beetlemobile. Were off to Hollywood!
SCENE 5- INSIDE THE BEETLE LAIR
Shot of the inside of a door. You can see a silhouette of several men. One of them knocks on the door.
Head psych guy-Mr. Beetle, are you in? (No response) Mr. Beetle we just want to talk to you. (No response)
The psych guy motions towards the door. A team of men with the restraining equipment goes to kick the door in.
Shot of the door, it opens with a bang.
The psych team quickly spans out as the
dust settles. The head psych guy bends over and picks up something.
Head psych guy- Hold it. . .
shot of crumpled note that says in childish scrawl ďGone to Hollywood to become rich and famous, bye- The Beetle Esq.Ē
Head psych guy-(crumpling note) DAMMIT!!
SCENE 6- MOVIE OPENING-theme music, title, credits interwoven through scenery shot from a car, moving highway, cityscapes etc.
SCENE 7-GAS STATION
The Beetlemobile pulls in and the Beetle starts to fill up the gas tank.
Gas station -interior. There is a clerk at the register and some truckers getting coffee.
Beetle (to clerk at counter)- Iím getting $10 in gas and a king size Reeses and (Abraham Lincoln Lad whispers in his ear) a Zagnut please.
The clerk rings him up, staring at him the whole time.
Beetle- Thank you, lowly store clerk.
Beetle (walking to car)- Here, you get this side and Iíll. . . (Struggles with A.L.L. to open Zagnut)
Big hulking truckers from inside the store follow the Beetle outside
Trucker- Hey you! Tights boy!
Beetle keeps fumbling with the candy bar
Trucker- Over here, Freak!
Beetle- Excuse me?
Trucker- Yeah, Iím talking to you, Spider-man!
Beetle- Iím sorry sir, you have me mistaken for somebody else. I am the Beetle, protector and guardian of Smash City.
Trucker-OOOH! Get this guys, he ďprotectsĒ his city, heís its ďguardian!Ē What do you think you are, some kind of super hero?! Well, youíre pretty far from your city now, aintcha?
Beetle-Thatís because, Iím going to Hollywood to. . .
Trucker (interrupting him)-Youíre on our turf now and youíre scariní away the better people.
Beetle- I donít care for your attitude young man. Shouldnít you be in school?
Trucker (shoving Beetle)- Címon punk! Show us your super powers!
Beetle-Abraham Lincoln Lad and I wonít stand for this!
Trucker2-Isnít dat cute, he names his socks!
Beetle-Iíll have you know that my partner here is feared by many of the scourge of the underworld.
Trucker breaks off end of a bottle.
Beetle (as Abraham Lincoln Lad)- Címon! Lemme at Ďim!
Beetle-Whoa! Easy there, little buddy. No need for conflict, Iím sure we can work this out.
Trucker2-Oooh, weíre scared of you Mr. Sock.
Look at me shake. (Grabs for A.L.L.)
The Beetle punches Trucker2 and knocks him to the ground.
Beetle- Alright! If itís a fight you want, itís a fight youíll get!
Beetle (as A.L.L.)- FOUR SCORE!!!
A fight ensues.
Trucker-Heís goiní psycho on us!
One of the truckers sneaks up behind the Beetle and hits him with a pipe, knocking him down. Another starts pulling on Abraham Lincoln Lad. In the tug-of-war, A.L.L.ís arm is torn off.
Beetle-Good god! What have you done?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!? (makes a fist with A.L.L. and punches trucker)
SCENE 8- ALLEY
Dusk, bum sitting in trash at the side
of the gas station, eating something he scavenged.
The Beetle stumbles by, all torn up from the fight. He plops down next to the bum.
Beetle-Mind if I join you, buddy?
Beetle-You know, sometimes I just donít understand. You devote your life to keeping them safe. Helping them. Keeping their streets clean. Keeping the weirdos away. With me around, people can walk down dark alleys with confidence. And how do they repay you? They beat you up, kill your partner (holds up shredded Abraham Lincoln Lad) and they steal your Zagnut.
Bernie (the bum) offers him whatever heís eating.
Beetle-Uhh. No thanks pal. Say, whatís your name buddy?
Bernie mumbles, shrugging his shoulders, continues eating
Beetle-Okay. . . Nice to meet you. . . Uhh. . . Bernie?
Beetle (after a pause, where he waits for disapproval)-Bernie, youíve got it all figured out, donít you? The world turns its back on you so you turn your back on the world. Taking chances, get it when the gettinís good. Who cares if you end up sleeping in filth, smelling like the monkey cage at the zoo, covered in flies, avoided and shunned by mankind. I mean, who needs personal hygiene when youíre having this much fun! No rules, no deadlines. Youíre in charge of your own destiny. Life is like one long road trip. Bernie, my man, youíre one of the smartest men Iíve ever met.
Beetle (after another pause)-Say, you donít talk much, do you?
Beetle-Yeah, you wouldnít know it, but itís the quiet ones who know the most. I mean, you have those guys that can just talk and talk and talk. They donít know anything. Theyíre just full of fluff. They donít really have a clue and are scared to death that theyíll be discovered. Itís the quiet guy in the back whoís truly the clever one. He just sits back and takes it all in, making his own judgments and conclusions.
Beetle (after yet another pause)-Things were going good for me, you know. I was going to be in the movie biz. I was going to be something. Now look at me. Iím sleeping in an alley like street scum. . . No offense there, Bernie. Everything was going perfectly. Now, I just. . . I just donít have the spirit left. You know, life has a way of sneaking up on you and yanking your shorts up over your head when you think everythingís just peachy. I donít know where Iím going to go from here. I guess, Iíll just sleep in an alley like you, become a bum until I catch some horrible ailment and die. . . alone.
Bernie hands him a wad of papers and magazines to sleep in and rolls over to go to sleep.
A magazine catches the Beetleís eye. An Entertainment Weekly, cover story, big pre-award ceremony Hollywood social. All the stars, all the movers and shakers of the movie biz. Sept. 21
Beetle-By the Hairy Hordes of Hrothgar! Bernie, give me your cleanest newspaper!
Bernie passes over a newspaper in pristine condition. Beetle looks at the date
Beetle-September 10! Bernie, I could kiss you if you werenít swimming with disease! (Stands up) Iím back in business, baby!
The Beetle runs off screen, leaving Bernie sitting alone. Hear a car start. Bottom of car comes into view.
Closeup of Beetle bending down, Bernieís
point of view.
Beetle-Well, are you coming?
SCENE 9- MUSICAL ROAD TRIP SCENE.
a) Map/Calender showing their progress
c) funny signs
d) at one point, the music breaks down and their path on the map slows flashing to a shot of Beetle and Bernie without the car
e) Stops to pick up hitchhiker but peels out as soon as he puts his bags in the Beetlemobile.
f) Drives by Jehova's witness hall and scowls
g) Welcome to Canada sign
Beetle-So, Bernie, get the map.
Beetle-Weíve got to plot a course to Hollywood. Since were on a tight schedule here, we need the fastest route possible. (Looks at map) Look at this city. Hehehehe. Wallawalla, Washington! We are so there! Look, Itís only six inches from Hollywood!
End Musical, buddy-buddy, road trip interlude.
SCENE 10- ROAD SOMEWHERE
As the music fades to a stop, the Beetlemobile pulls over to the side of the road, sputtering. Beetle gets out of the car and opens the hood. If possible, shot from inside car engine as he opens it. Everythingís smokey.
Beetle-So, apparently burritos donít give the car gas.
Bernie comes over.
Beetle-Well, Bernie, The Beetlemobile is out of commission. Weíve got no car, 1200 miles to go and only two days to get to Hollywood. (Sounding depressed) If we donít pick up the pace, weíll have to tour Universal Studios after the party.
Beetle- Yeah, we need to get to a bus station.
SCENE 11- The Beetle and Bernie are now hitchhiking
(or standing beside the car with signs). The Beetle is carrying
a suitcase. Bernie is holding a little sign that says ďBus or Bust.Ē
A car stops beside them and the driver rolls down his window.
Man- You guys having some trouble?
The Beetle is wandering around with his finger pointing to the horizon.
Beetle- (in a little kid's voice/ despondent) California...
Man (confused)- sorry gents, but I-
Bernie- mumbles (furiously)
Bernie reaches into his jacket . When
the man sees him reach, he gets wide eyed
and peels out. Bernie chases him mumbling apologetically. Bernie pulls a map out of his
pocket and waves it in the air while running. During this time, The Beetle is still wandering.
SCENE 12- HITCHHIKING
Same setting as Scene 11. Fade in
Beetle-Once we get to Hollywood, I have to adopt a secret identity. It will enable me to lead a normal life without having villains trying to off me all of the time. It will also protect my loved ones. You saw what happened back at the gas station.
The Beetle turns around, hiding his face. When he turns around, he is wearing a pair of glasses over his mask.
Beetle-Well, what do you think?
Bernie looks shocked and looks around frantically for the Beetle.
Beetle-No, Bernie. See, (takes off glasses)
Bernie acts relieved. Gives Beetle thumbs up.
Beetle-If I had thought of this sooner, what went on at the gas station wouldnít have happened and. . . (Starts to cry) Abraham Lincoln Lad would still be alive today, on my hand instead of in a shoebox in my suitcase.
Bernie comforts him.
Beetle-Itís O.K. Itís O.K. Youíre right. He wouldnít want me to be like this. He would have wanted me to move on. Get to Hollywood and make our movie! Get a new sidekick! Which reminds me Bernie, if youíre going to chum with me, youíre going to need a superhero costume. Letís see. . . (Looks around and sees a paper bag) AHA! (Plops it on Bernieís head) Now, a little tape. (Wraps tape around his neck)
Bernie- mumbles frantically.
Beetle-Bernie, I canít understand a single thing youíre saying!
Bernie points at the bag on his head.
Beetle-What is it man! SPEAK UP!
Bernie starts to gasp for air, hands clawing at the neck of the bag.
Beetle-Good enough, your own mother wouldnít recognize you.
Bernie takes one step and drops off screen to the ground. He starts to crawl around until he hits the car with his head. He continues to crawl against the car.
Beetle-Maybe we should go for the eye holes after all.
A man (Jacques) is walking down the terminal. He is carrying a packet of papers. He stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. The headline says Preparations Underway for Big Hollywood Gala. Jacques exits airport.
SCENE 14-BUS INTERIOR.
People are in their seats. The Beetle is running all over the bus all hyper like, holding his script. Shot of Bernie, sleeping in his seat.
Beetle-So, as it turns out that he blamed the accident on the Beetle because the Beetle had inadvertently triggered his transformation into the Eradicator! Then. . .
The Beetle is standing in the middle of the aisle, his back to the front of the bus. He jumps into a dramatic pose and throws his arm back hitting Jacques as he is boarding the bus. Both the Beetle and Jacques drop their papers.
Beetle-Excuse me citizen. I was just recounting one of the most tremendous battles the world has ever known. Itís gonna be a movie soon, once I get to Hollywood. If you hurry and take your seat, you can catch the end.
Jacques(in French accent! Heís French remember!)-Iím not in the mood.
Beetle-Do what you like, but youíre missing out. Itís gonna be huge!
Jacques grabs the wrong package and finds a seat. The Beetle grabs the remaining package. Jacques sits down. The Beetle sits beside him.
Beetle-This looks like a good place to park my puddiní.
Jacques scowls at him.
Beetle-Hey, Buddy! Looks like weíll be sitting together for the duration. Iím the Beetle, super- hero extraordinaire.
Jacques-Donít talk to me.
Beetle-Thatís a nice accent. Swedish? I just love your fish.
Jacques-Itís French, you twit.
Beetle-Thatís great. So, where are you from?
Jacques-(sighs then shouts) FRANCE!
Beetle-(a bit taken aback) Oh, well. . . I just love your fries.
They sit in silence for a little while. The Beetle looks around, whistling, twiddling his thumbs.
Jacques-Will you stop that!
Beetle-Sorry. (And continues to fidget) Hey, did I tell you Iím going to Hollywood!?
Beetle-Well, I am going to Hollywood. I just wrote a movie script based on my life. Iím going to sell it to a big producer and be known nation wide! Iíll be bigger than Batman! (Turns and looks to Jacques for response.)
Jacques is ignoring him and is looking out the window.
Beetle-Here, Iíll tell you the story and
you tell me what you think. It all started when I was a nerdy
college student. I was at a science exhibition when I was bitten
by a radioactive beetle. . .
SCENE 15: BUS STOP
Beetle: well Bernie, this is it . we've made it. I can almost smell our success from here and let me tell you friend, it smells better than those little crunchy tater thingies that they serve with the little value meals at Burger King in the morning. Breathe it in, buddy. Breathe it in.
Bernie: (breathes deeply) mumbles
Beetle: Well sir talkalot, if you're done here, we can go find a place to stay and get to work. We've got to try to get some references before that party tonight
SCENE 16: HOTEL ROOM
Beetle sitting at a table with a telephone.
Beetle (with hand held out): Phone book Bernard
Bernie hands him the phone book
Beetle: Holy shoot! it's as fat as a phoneboo..!.Oh, yeah. Now let's get busy
Beetle opens book and starts browsing
Beetle: Aha! (dials number) Hello, is Mr. Burton there? Sure I'll hold. (to Bernie) Wow! Who'd have thought that we'd hit the jackpot on our first try!
(something to give the illusion that he waits for a long time/ tapping pencil, banging head, etc.)
Voice on phone says something, Beetle perks up
Beetle: Oh, he's busy? well then, I'll just have to try back later. (pause) No, thank you
Beetle- Well, (browsing) Whoís next? Oh! (Dials) Hi, may I speak to Mr. Cameron,....Well, I....No.....Yes.....I understand heís a busy ma...Hey....No....Would you just let me talk to him? Thank you. Iím glad you see it my way.....Hello?
Beetle- (to Bernie) Thatís strange. We seem to have been disconnected. Oh well.
Beetle- Hello. May I speak to Mr Craven please? You need an appointment for a phone call?! Thatís stupid. Why yes I would. How about in four minutes....Hello?...Hello?
Beetle- Is Mr. Stone there? Heís in a meeting? Hey wait a minute, Whoís that talking? Itís him isnít it? Heís standing right there isnít he? ISNíT HE?! Well you just tell Mr. Snooty Pants that I never wanted to talk to him anyway. (Slams down phone)
Beetle- Whatís wrong with this crazy town?(dials phone, listens, rings) You know, itís a wonder movies ever get made! I mean howís a normal guy like me supposed to get a brea-(cut off to talk on phone)-Hi can you connect me to Mr. Tarantinoís office? Just tell him itís the Beetle, Iím sure heíll-(cut off again)- Hello?...Hello?
Beetle- Jeez! Whatís her problem? (Pauses) Bernie, something fishyís going on here and I think I have a pretty good idea of what it is. Watch and learn, my man.
Beetle-(Dials and listens) Hi, is (reading) S. Spielberg there? Oh donít worry weíre old college buddies. No problem. (To Bernie)-Sheís putting me through, see you just need to say the right things. (To phone)-Hi Steve? Howís it going....Phil?.... Phil... the janitor? No, I don't need your slop mop. Listen, um....Iíll call you back .
Beetle- I donít get it, Iím almost through the list of good guys and I got nothing! Iím getting kind of frustrated.
MUSIC AND COLLAGE OF PHONE CALLS AND THE
Beetle- Heís busy? Sure. I know what that means! Donít even bother!
Beetle- Just a minute? Right, Iíve heard that one before! (Kind of stuck up) Iíll say good day to you sir.
Beetle- Youíll put me through to his cell phone? Oh thatís rich. Sister, youíve got to get up pretty early in the morning to sneak one past the Beetle.
Beetle(Warning! Canadians only joke!)- Dad, itís Patrick, I just took out life insurance!!!! (Slams phone down-chuckles)
Beetle- Oh, heís speaking is he? Thatís the best one yet! And I thought Phil the janitor was good! (Trailing off) oh boy!
*Scene flashes to a fancy office- or busy Hollywood street
Man- (holding phone) Well, I donít know what to make of that. Hope everything works out for him.
*Back in hotel room
Beetle- Well Bernie, weíre out of luck. No time for the little guy in todayís lightning paced film industry. Looks like weíre going to that party tonight, colder than cucumbers.
SCENE 17- OUTSIDE PARTY BUILDING
Bustling street-limos and expensive
cars pulling up-people in tuxes and gowns getting out/
close up at front door camera shows only shoulders down.
Doorman- Mr. Cruise, Nicole, Glad you could make it, We saved you a table
Doorman- (turns quickly) Miss Bullock you look lovely this evening, if youíd just go right through there(points to the party)
Doorman-(worried) Mr. Schwarzenegger, where are you going, we have a-
Arnold- Iíll be back
Activity slows a little
Beetle is dressed in a tux, mask and glasses with Bernie dressed well also, casually walk up. The Doorman blocks the door so they canít get in. They turn around and merge with a group of actors when a limo pulls up. Door opens and crowd comes in -flashes going off and lots of talking. Start Mentos music (doop dooby doo do do doo doo waaaah!). A man (Frank Costella) gets out of the limo and is swarmed by reporters. The Beetle inconspicuously goes around to the back of the limo and goesthrough it like was in it to begin with. He slips in with the crowd.
SCENE 18- PARTY SCENE
Beetle immediately ducks off to the side*close up of the Beetle* wipes sweat off brow and holds up a pack of Mentos. There is a shout from behind: Get Ďim!!!The Beetle spins around to see Bernie dash into the ballroom and barrel-roll under a table of appetizers.
Beetle- Oh Yeah!! That guy!( Like he had forgotten)
Bernie pops out from under the table next to the beetle, stands up, brushes himself off.
Beetle- glad you could make it
Bernie- mumbles and shrugs / starts to eat the appetizers.
Beetle- Tell you what, you go check out the food, while I mingle with these film guys.
Bernie slides off screen
Beetle-(to himself) Itís do or die friend
Beetle casually walks through the party, passes one particular group
*Conversation in which the Beetle gets their attention and then shows them a script, people read it and pass it to people they know, spreading it across the room. Everyone is so into the script that they wander off, leaving the beetle by himself. The beetle is still kinda getting used to the fact, still taking it in-just then Bernie walks by with a heaping pile of appetizers, beetle snags him
Beetle- Bernie? Guess what?
Beetle- Well, no. I just showed my script to a bunch of people and they loved it! Theyíre showing to all their friends! This is easy! You can go back to eating now. You know I donít like to keep a man from his work.
Bernie walks off. The two B-movie guys approach him
Carl-Mr. Coleoptera, my name is Carl Sanburg, and this is my partner Hector Venezuelez. Weíre extremely interested in your treatment.
Beetle-Really! Thatís great!
Hector-Iím afraid weíre not as big a studio as some of these guys.
Carl-Yeah! But we smell summer blockbuster with this one!
Hector-Yeah, if we could get some big name actors... Iím getting kind of a Jeremy Irons feel for the villain
Beetle- Thatís funny, I always pictured him as Jim Carrey, or Urkel
Carl- What about the main character? Iím thinking Bruce Willis or Wesley Snipes.
Beetle- I couldnít agree with you more
Frank Costella(from off screen)-Carl! Hector! Stop harassing Mr. Coleoptera!
As Frank enters, Carl and Hec make themselves scarce.
Carl (giving Beetle his business card)-Hereís our card! Weíll do lunch!
Beetle-O.K. Bye guys!
Frank-Iím very sorry about that, Mr. Coleoptera. I donít know how they got invitations. Listen, I want you to meet somebody. (Ushers him over to beautiful woman) Mr. Coleoptera, this is my daughter, Carolyn. Carolyn, this is the, uh, rather eccentric Mr. Coleoptera.
Beetle-Uh, hi. Swell ta meetcha.
Frank-Iíve got to go talk to Mr. Coppola. Itís business. Iíll leave you two.
Carolyn-So, Mr. Coleoptera, I hear your script is making quite a splash with these movie bigwigs.
Beetle-Yeah. Hey, do you want to know a secret? (Leans over and whispers) I think Iím going to let those two guys have it.
Carolyn-Carl and Hec! Theyíve never made anything successful! But theyíre strictly B- movies!
Beetle-Exactly! B for Beetle! I figure theyíll have to do it right!
Carolyn-What about my father? He seems pretty interested in your script and heís a lot bigger than those two.
Beetle-That may be so, but I donít want him to make my movie if they come out looking as fake as that rug he wears on his head!
Carolyn-You know, Mr. Coleoptera, I like you. You seem different from the rest of these guys. Theyíre all fake, just trying to make a buck off of the next big thing but you. . . youíre funny. Iíll see you around.
Carolyn leaves and Bernie comes over with a plate heaping with finger food.
Beetle-Hey Bernie! Things are looking up for the Beetle! It looks like Iím in the movie biz, and a girl just said sheíd see me around!
SCENE 19- JACQUES' ROOM (Tilt camera during villain scenes ala Batman.)
Jacques is at a desk studying blueprints.
He whips out the Entertainment Weekly with the cover story and starts pointing with an exacto knife.
Jacques- How many people are going to be
sorry? I see one. I see two. I see three. (after a pause)
I C-4 HA HA HA HA HA!
He tears open his bag to reveal gray bricks of C-4 explosives in it. he continues laughing as he picks up his plans (keep in mind they're actually the Beetle's). The laughing slows. Jacques is shocked. He starts to flip through the pages frantically.
SCENE 20- COUNTRY CLUB
Beetle is backing away from the court with a tennis racket talking to an off screen character
Beetle- Good game Ken! Youíre just lucky I was having an off day!
Turns to Bernie and starts walking
Beetle-(quietly to Bernie) You know I wouldíve beaten him if his hair wasnít so dynamically molded.
Walking away from the tennis courts, the pair is approached by Frank Costella and his caddy in a cart and two Japanese guys, Frank steps out and shakes the Beetleís hand
Frank- ah! Mr. Coleoptera! I see you got my invitation. Ted didnít give you any trouble did he?
Frank- Heís one of the security guards.
Beetle- Security guards?
Frank- at the check in?
Frank- forget about it. So, have you given any more thought to my offer?
Frank- (interrupting) Oh, where are my manners, Mr. Coleoptera, Iíd like to introduce you to some friends of mine, Mr. Ohashi and his partner Mr. Kazuya
*Beetle talks in Japanese to the men. First he makes good conversation, but then he slips up, shocking the men. Beetle realizes he has messed up and frantically tries to dig himself out, but actually only digs himself deeper. Suddenly the men break out laughing like the beetle has just told a joke. Now the beetle is shocked but starts to laugh with them. Bernie mumbles something and they all stop and look at him. Beetle then utters on word and they start to laugh again. The Japanese men get back into their cart and are patting the beetle on his shoulder. They leave.
Frank- you never cease to amaze me Mr. Coleoptera, Now, you were saying about the screenplay?
Beetle- Oh yeah, Well Frankly Frank, (chuckles) I hate to break it to you. Your offer was tempting but you do nothing for me. Iím gonna give it to the two guys from the party.
Frank- (under his breath) I see, Carl and Hector. (Normal) Well, Itís clear that you havenít had enough time to think about it. Iím rushing you. You take a little time to think about it and Iíll get back to you later. Iíll have Carolyn call you. Ciao!
Frank and his caddy hop into the cart and drive off.
Beetle- Jeez, Whatís the matter with that guy. Canít take no for an answer? I did tell him no, right?
Bernie- mumbles and shrugs shoulders
SCENE 21- ON SITE AT MOVIE
Production crew on street with Beetle. Onlookers/extras behind road blocks. Beetle is wearing black hooded sweatshirt tied tightly so as to hide his face.
Hector-(to Beetle) Okay. In this scene we see a man, that would be you, walking casually down the street. You accidentally bump into your co-star here and say ďsorry.Ē got it?
Beetle- Nothiní but net, both hands behind my back.
Carl- ready, action!
Beetle walks semi-casual down the street and bumps into the man (pretty heavily because he canít see well
Beetle- Pardon my ingress, citizen! Carry on!
Carl and Hector- CUT!
Carl- Okay Mr. Coleoptera, you seem a little tense. Just try to act casual.
Hector- Yeah, Youíre just trying too hard. And I already told you once, get rid of these!
Hector snatches Beetleís antennae of his sweatshirt.
Just then two people, a man and a woman, dressed in black trench coats emerge from the crowd.
Man- Excuse me Mr. Coleoptera, weíre from the FBI. If youíd just come with us for a moment, weíd like to ask you a few questions.
They put the Beetle into a car and drive away.
Carl- Well, what are we going to do now?
Hector- Donít worry we donít need him anyway. That was his only line.
Carl and Hector continue to discuss the Beetleís part as the camera focuses on Carolyn and Bernie watching the Beetle leave, Jacques casually walks up behind them and chloroforms the two of them, and slips away inconspicuously.
Jacques drags them a short distance to his car and props them up on it. He opens the trunk and loads Bernie in. He goes back for Carolyn. She is starting to wake up as Jacques drags her to the back of the car. Close up of her face as she wakes up and looks around. She jams her spiked heel into Jacques instep. He lets go of her and starts to run. He quickly catches up but she spins and kicks him in the groin, screaming at him. Jacques drops to his knees and she takes off running. Jacques starts swearing in French.
SCENE 22- THE FBI INTERROGATION
Two FBI agents watching through a two
way mirror into room
Inside the room, the Beetle at a table, two men in shirts and ties, gun holsters, the whole deal
Beetle- whatís this all about anyway? Is it because I copied those tapes? I saw your warning, but I figured there was no way you could tell I did it. Thatís it isnít it?
Man hesitates, then writes on clipboard very carefully so as not to be noticed.
Man- (pretending) of course, you were a fool to think that we wouldnít catch you. Now, it may be a surprise to you, but there are other reasons why youíre here.
Beetle- I donít know what youíre talking about
Man- (yelling) Donít play dumb with me!
2nd man slams both hands on the table
Beetle- Whoís playing?
Man- Now, Mr. Coleoptera, if that is your real name, (Beetle grimaces) do you recognize this?
He slides script about halfway across the table
Beetle- Well,.. that looks like my-
Man- Answer the Question!
2nd Man slams both hands down on the table
Beetle- Itís the script to my movie. Itís going to be a major production soon. Want an autograph?
Man aggrevatedly massages his temples like he has a headache
Man- Mr. Coleoptera, are you aware who we are?
Beetle- Youíre Fibbies Aintcha?
Man- (shudders) Yes. Are you aware that weíve already done a background check on you?
Beetle- uhhm, yeah. Why not.
Man- Well it seems that you match the description of an escaped mental patient from Smash City who gave the city quite a scare a while back with the kidnaping of the chief of police. We have reason to believe that this (points to the script) is a terroristís agenda. You wouldnít know anything about that would you Mr. Coleoptera?
Beetle- You know, Iím reminded of a poem that....
Man massages his temples
OUTSIDE OF INTERROGATION ROOM, the two agents are watching the questioning through one way glass.
Female Agent-Obviously, heís a delusional psychotic with an extensive history of mental illness. He's created this fictional world that he lives in where he is a super hero. It's textbook escapism fantasism. He's not confident with who he is, so he creates this new "super" persona to help him deal with life. Only now, it's got out of hand and his fantasy is including his environment.
Male Agent-I think heís an alien. See the antennae?
Beetle- ...and thatís what was wrong with the eighties. Now, as for the nineties....
SCENE 23- NIGHT AT THE LOCKUP
Beetle is asleep. Suddenly a clang
Guard- Yo, freak. You got a visitor.
Beetle- (sleepily) ... Abe?......Carolyn!
Carolyn (all nervous looking)- Mr. Coleoptera! (Whispers) weíve got to get you out of here. Your friend...
Carolyn- whatever. Anyway, this guy attacked us. I was able to get away, but whatís his name, Bernie, well heís still got him.
Beetle- well who was this....guy?....
Carolyn- he had some weird accent. French, or something.
Beetle- wait! I know who youíre talking about! Bernie and I met a rude Frenchman on the bus here!
Carolyn- Howíre we gonna narrow it down? (Ba-dump-ching)
Beetle- Donít worry. Thisís the guy. Iíd know his foul visage any day.
Carolyn- but you havenít even seen him!
Beetle- Aha! My point exactly!
Carolyn- What are you talking about?
Beetle winks at her. Carolynís face remains the same.
Carolyn- youíre not making any sense. Guard? Did they do something to him?
Guard- Heís a nut, lady. I donít even know why youíre bothering. Youíre wasting your time.
Beetle- youíll never get away with this!
Carolyn- (worried) I gotta get out of here.
Beetle- Wait! My medicine!
Carolyn (playing along)- Oh! I almost forgot...(reaches into her purse)
Guard- (grabbing) Miss, Iím afraid you canít ....
Carolyn whips her hand out of her purse with a can of mace. She spins and sprays. Guard clutches face and screams and grabs for her. She steps to the side and bashes him over the head with something. Guard drops to the floor. She reaches down and gets the keys, then goes to unlock the cell.
Beetle- Golly. He just fell right down didnít he?
Carolyn-Shut up. Weíve got to get out of here.
They both take off out of the room.
SCENE 24: NIGHT IN A BEDROOM
FBI investigator (senior) asleep in bed/ phone rings
Fibbie-(answers) Nelson...what? Oh, sh-
SCENE 25: THE BEETLEíS APARTMENT
Beetle opens door followed by Carolyn
Carolyn- I still donít get it. How do you know where he is?
Beetle- Itís simple. Heís french, right? Where do french people go? To nude beaches!
Carolyn- So, weíre going to a nude beach?
Beetle- Of course not. That would be too predictable.
Carolyn- I donít follow
Beetle- Whatís the closest thing we have to a nude beach around here? Downtown L.A.!
Carolyn- No, itís not.
Beetle- (trying to shut her up) Uh! Uh! Uh!
Iím not finished. What movie featured the city L.A.?
Volcano! What around here is closest to a volcano? Hills.
Carolyn- But there are tons of hills around here!
Beetle- Let me explain. You see, Volcano was made in Hollywood, so it only makes sense that he would go to the Hollywood sign, the perfect setting for the final climactic battle between the good and evil in his life and with his passion for films, itís a no-brainer. At least thatís where I would go if I was French.
Carolyn- How do you know he has a passion for films?
Beetle- I figure he has the same appetites we humans do.
Carolyn- Youíre crazy! You want us to go all the way up to the Hollywood sign based on that crazy story?
Beetle- You got a better one?
Carolyn- Well, anythingís better than that.
Beetle-I have to say that Iím not impressed.
Carolyn- Iím not going to the sign.
Beetle- Neither am I.
Carolyn- What!? Thereís more to that flimsy explanation? Where do you suggest we go now?
Beetle- How about the 'burbs?
Carolyn- What!?! weíre going to the suburbs? WHY!?!
Beetle- Because thatís where it says to go on this note.
Carolyn- That's the complimentary note pad
from the hotel. And you're holding a pen. And you've spelled "French"
Beetle- Well you can't expect me to get everything right. I think I did pretty well deciphering his primitive language.
Carolyn- But that still doesn't help us! Hey... wait a minute! My dad knows this private eye... maybe ...(looks at the Beetle) How can you keep your sense of humor at a time like this?!
The Beetle looks confused. A phone rings. Beetle and Carolyn both pause.
Carolyn stares at him
Beetle- Oooooh. I gotcha.
Carolyn stares at him
Beetle- (pauses) I'll get it.
Beetle answers phone
Jacques (on the other line)- This is Jacques from France. I have your friend.
Beetle- Who are you? Answer me!
Jacques- Amusing. I assume you want to see him again, so I propose a little switch. Bring the plans to...
Beetle- What do you want from me!?
Jacques- Ah, yes. You're quite the entertainer.
Now, as I was saying, bring the plans to
the old mall parking lot next to the Hillside View. I'll be waiting.
Beetle- You think you're so safe in your secret hideout, but I can have this call traced so fast-
A click is heard as Jacques hangs up the phone.
Beetle- Oh, well.
Beetle hangs up the phone.
Carolyn- Who was that?
Beetle- I don't know. I couldn't make out a word of his drunken Irish drawl.
Beetle- And talk about crazy! You say Iím crazy! If you ask me, heís just as crazy as those black- suits.
Carolyn- wait! What do you mean?
Beetle- All they can talk about is plans. Plans, plans, terrorists, secret agendas, and plans. The whole worldís gone crazy, and frankly, itís beginning to scare me.
Carolyn- Mr. Coleoptera! Donít you get it? Itís your movie! Theyíre talking about the script!
Carolyn- The script! You must have somehow gotten hold of some terroristís plans!
Beetle- Come again?
Carolyn- The script is the plans! Thatís why the feds are onto you. And looking at our situation, Iíd say the original owner wants them back.
Beetle- You know. Now that you mention it......
Carolyn looks out of the window
Carolyn- Come on, weíve got to get moving. This place will be swarming with cops in a couple of minutes.
Beetle- So, lemme get this straight. Youíre saying that I have the plans in my script.....
Carolyn- Letís go! (Grabs arm and drags him
out of the room)
SCENE 26: OUTSIDE THE BUILDING
The Beetle and Carolyn drive away from the building seconds before the cops arrive.
SCENE 27: THE PARKING LOT
The parking lot is dark. The Beetleís car is the only one in the entire thing. He gets out of the car
Beetle- all right fiend. Iím here. come and get it.
Jacques (voice)- allo! Who is it?
Beetle- Aha! I knew youíd slip up you limy Brit! Show yourself!
Jacques- Francois! Pierre! Ted! ATTACK!
Just then 3 ninjas appear out of the shadows. One is brandishing a pair of sais, one a bo staff, and the other has a sword.
Beetle- Whatís this? A fight? Now this place is coming alive.
Beetle gets into a fighting stance and slowly starts to circle as the ninjas surround him.
Beetle- all right, give me your best sh-
The sword ninja jumps the beetle from behind, knocking him to the ground, then backs off
Beetle- (too himself)oops! Mustnít have seen that one coming. (Out loud)Lucky shot!
Beetle starts to get up but sees a ninja rush, so ducks and steps through, elbowing the ninja in the ribs, dropping him. By this time, Carolyn has gotten out of the car and has wandered off and is trying to sneak up on one of the ninjas, but just before reaching him, Jacques steps out of the shadows and grabs her from behind, muffling her scream. The ninjas continue at the Beetle. Carolyn bites Jacquesí hand.
Jacques- Ahh! Mince!
Carolyn- straining to get away- Mr.. Coleoptera, help!
Beetle- Carolyn? Alright boys no more playing.
All three ninjas jump on the beetle smothering him. Suddenly his arm pops out of the pile knocking one of the ninjas back. Beetle explodes out of the pile and both of the ninjas back off. A ninja (1st one off) then starts doing all these fancy kicks and stuff at the beetle and ends it off with flying kick at his head, the beetle brushes it off to the side (the ninja passes by) as the other rushes at him. The ninja behind throws another kick which the beetle spins and blocks. He then returns to the front in time to jump over a swing from the bo. On the back swing, the Beetle catches the bo and grins. He proceeds to grab the guyís head and smashing it to his knee, taking him out of the fight. He grabs the bo and spins, taking out the knees of the ninja behind him. By this time, the last ninja comes at him. He throws R inner crescent, beetle blocks, then throws a L hook punch, beetle blocks. Beetle chops collar and spins into a hip throw then starts bashing him into the ground again and again until Sai-guy comes back at the beetle with a fake R roundhouse and goes into a L spinning hook, catching the beetle in the ribs/head. Ninja advances and throws a L outer crescent, catching the beetle across the face. He then has gotten his sais and is facing the beetle. The beetle picks up the bo once more. Saiguy starts a routine of flashy flips and stuff trying to intimidate the beetle, circling the whole time. The beetle then starts clumsily swinging the bo like a bat. The sia-guy starts closing in on the beetle. Just then, we see the beetle with a smirk on his face (close-up) he then explodes out swinging the bo like a master. The ninja is taken aback, then rushes forward. Brandishing the sais he attacks wildly with the beetle countering wildly. This goes on for a while until the beetle sees an opening clocks him in the head. He then quickly drops to his knees and swings up, catching the ninja in the groin. The ninja crumples. The Beetle proceeds to keep beating him with the bo. He then stands up
Jacques- Ma foi! Tell me heís not done what I have seen him do!
Jacques then collects himself and tightens his hold on Carolyn. he pulls out a gun and points it at her head, Beetle starts to walk slowly towards him.
Jacques- Arrete! Stop! I will shoot!
Jacques- Now that Iíve got your attention, give me my plans!
Beetle- there you go again with the plans. Youíre not making any sense.
Jacques- Enough of this foolishness. I will give you to the third count. Un...
Carolyn looks worried
Beetle- (waves his hands in front of his nose) - peee-eww! (Scottish)Ach!, yur a cheese eatiní laddie, arenít ye?
Jacques- Iím FRENCH!
Beetle- (excitedly) yeah!
Jacques looks confused, then we see what the Beetle was excited about. Bernie emerges from the shadows and wraps his arms around Jacquesí head.
Beetle- Good work Bern!
Beetle rams shoulder into Jacques and slams him into the wall. As Jacques slides down the wall, the Beetle grabs him by the lapel and picks him up.
Beetle- This is for America, pastry boy!
Beetle uppercuts him and lets him drop. Suddenly a bunch of cop cars pull in. All the cops pile out and whip out their guns, pointing them at the scene of the battle. The beetle stands over Jacquesí frail and defeated body on the ground shivering and in a fetal position.
Cop- All right! We have you surrounded. Reach for some sky!
Two cops rush in to cuff the beetle when suddenly the FBI guy comes forward. As Jacques is being dragged off
Jacques- I would have gotten away with it too. If it werenít for that meddling Beetle. Him and that BUM of his.
FBIguy- itís all right! Let him go. (To Beetle)Mr. Coleoptera, nice to see you again. I want to apologize for any inconvenience we might have caused you before. We made a mistake, but you helped us capture the real terrorist. Old Jacques here has been eluding us for years and without your expertise, we probably wouldnít have gotten the drop on him.
Beetle- Well, You know, I live to give.
FBIguy- It clearly shows. If there is anything that I or the chief can do to make your stay more pleasant here in Hollywood, just let us know.
Beetle- Well I saw way too many weird people here. It makes us normal people edgy.
FBIguy- (chuckles)Well, weíll see what we can do about that.
Lackey- Sir, phone.
FBIguy- Excuse me Mr. Coleoptera, Iíll only be a minute.
FBIguy walks off. Carolyn drops into his arms and Beetle pats Bernie on the shoulder. Frank Costella walks in.
Frank- Oh Carolyn, are you all right?....Mr. Coleoptera? What are you doing here?
Carolyn- He saved me, Daddy.
Frank- Mr. Coleoptera, despite your rank business deals, I respect you even more now than ever. If there is ever anything that I can do-
FBIguy (walking back to group)-(seriously)- Mr, Coleoptera, Iím afraid there has been some bad news. You see, we werenít completely wrong about you. It appears that you have escaped from a mental hospital in Smash City and I have no choice but to return you to your room.
Carolyn- What do you mean ďno choiceĒ?
FBIguy- I mean itís my duty to place Mr. Coleoptera in a safe environment where he canít hurt other people and they canít hurt him. The only way we could avoid it is to find a host family for him and put him on a probational custody. But thatís not going to happen. Nobody wants to adopt a screwball. Especially one with such violent tendencies, such as Mr. Coleoptera here.
Carolyn- Well thatís where youíre wrong. Heís living with me and Daddy.
Frank looks surprised
Carolyn- You said anything, Daddy.
Frank reluctantly agrees.
Beetle- Well, I guess all of this means that my script wasnít really the one everyone liked. I wonít need this anymore (reaches into his car and pulls out a copy of his original script) gets ready to tear it to shreds.
Frank- wait! Mr. Coleoptera, I know youíve
got talent. I can just tell that about a person. Just give me a chance.
Let me read the script. (Beetle hands him the script and he browses through
Well ripple my zipple! This is pretty powerful. The public eats up this kind of stuff. If youíll let me, Iíd like to do your movie.
Beetle- Well ripple my zipple! Thatís great!
Iím back in business' baby!
SCENE 28- OUTSIDE MOVIE THEATER (opening day)
shows outside of theater with crowds of people in line
SCENE 29- INSIDE THE THEATER (MST3K)
*screen shows original beetle playing
with a row of silhouetted seats in front. The Beetle and Bernie with
Carolyn (silhouettes) Shuffle into the right side of the isle and take
their seats. They start to watch some crappy parts, and they proceed to
make smart comments and remarks, making fun of the movie. (Ala Mystery
Science Theater 3000)
SCENE 30- OUTSIDE THE THEATER
Beetle- well that was eventful. I think Iíd better wait a while before the sequel.
He tosses a package of papers into a garbage barrel and he and Bernie and Carolyn walk off. Frank Costella cautiously sneaks onto the screen looking in the direction of where they went to. He then (trying to look inconspicuous) reaches into the barrel and pulls out the script for the sequel, smooths it out, and puts it inside his jacket and walks off.
SCENE 31- THE BRIDGE
The three of them (Beetle, Bernie, and Carolyn) are standing on a bridge watching the sun set. The Beetle has a box with him.
Beetle- (to box) I wish you could have been
here for this buddy. Itís just not the same without you.
(Out loud) He would have wanted it this way. (Opens box and pours the contents into the river below)
There is a moment of silence as they sit and relax a bit.
Beetle- Well, heís done it. Heís conquered
the film industry. What does fate have in store next for the Beetle?
*Either fade as the three walk to the area about six feet to the right of the camera/ or snap right in to the Seinfeld parody
SCENE 32- SEINFELD PARODY
Bernie flies through the door, spins around, and mumbles something.-audience cheers (laugh track)///hello, Jacques/