BACK IN THE BLACK:  THE BEETLE RETURNS
by Jacob and Caleb Chabot

SCENE 1- ELABORATE VILLAINS LAIR- soldiers with guns, beefed up threatening
 Eradicator, girl tied to a chair.
Eradicator- AT LAST!  MY PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION HAS COME TO   FRUITION!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Beetle (off screen)- Not so fast, Eradicator!

 Camera pans over to reveal a pumped up, sleek, imposing Beetle with high tech  weaponry (nipples?) in dramatic pose.

Eradicator- Gasp! (He says gasp) The Beetle! He will ruin my life’s work and maybe even slap me  around a little!  Guards, seize him!

 *Fight scene with the Beetle pulling some remarkable moves spouting witty banter
 Reaction shot of the Eradicator hiding under a table, wincing as the fight ensues

 After the Beetle dispatches the goof troop, he runs up to the Eradicator who is firing a  machine gun and delivers a powerful blow knocking the Eradicator back several feet and  rendering him unconscious.  The girl runs up to him and hugs him.

Girl- My hero!

Beetle-Aw shucks! Twernt nuthin’.  All in a day's work for the Beetle.

 Fade out.

SCENE 2- FADE IN TO THE BEETLE DAYDREAMING AT A DESK.

Beetle- Man! My life is just chock full of this powerful stuff!  Wait till Hollywood gets a load of  me.

 He starts typing.  Shot of a clock ticking by.

Beetle- Well, that’s enough for today.

 Cut to mostly blank page except for a title, scene one typed, maybe some doodles.

 The Beetle walks over to a small shoebox.

Beetle- Hey Abraham Lincoln Lad!  Get up!  You’ve got to pack!  We leave for Hollywood today rememb. . . SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!

SCENE 3-HOSPITAL, FRONT DESK

Beetle (carrying flowers and balloons)-I’m here to see a friend of mine, Abraham Lincoln Lad.

Desk attendant-I’m afraid your friend has passed on.

Beetle- What!  How could this happen! He’s- he’s dead?

Attendant-As a doornail.  I’m sorry.  You can help yourself to some hot coffee in our lounge.

Beetle-He was so vibrant and full of life just last night, and now he’s. . .  dead.

Attendant-(chuckles) no, in actuality he’s very much alive. I was just yanking your chain the  whole time.

Beetle- The whole time?

Attendant- The whole time.  In fact, he’s right here.  (He whips Abraham Lincoln Lad up from  under the desk) Here you go, whoops! (Almost drops him)

Beetle (snatching A.L.L.)- Give me that! (Scowls at doctor)

Beetle (walking out, muttering to A.L.L.)-I don’t know why I even bothered.  They’re all a bunch  of quacks here.

 The attendant watches him leave and then quickly dials the phone

Attendant-Hello psych ward?  Are you guys busy? I’ve got someone in need of your attention.

SCENE 4- BACK AT THE BEETLE LAIR

Beetle- Well Abraham Lincoln Lad, while you were slacking off watching soaps and feasting upon   Jell-O, I’ve been hard at work.  I finished the script for The Beetle: The Movie and packed all of our stuff into the Beetlemobile.  Were off to Hollywood!

SCENE 5- INSIDE THE BEETLE LAIR

 Shot of the inside of a door. You can see a silhouette of several men. One of them knocks  on the door.

Head psych guy-Mr. Beetle, are you in? (No response) Mr. Beetle we just want to talk to you.  (No response)

 The psych guy motions towards the door.  A team of men with the restraining equipment  goes to kick the door in.

 Shot of the door, it opens with a bang.  The psych team quickly spans out as the
 dust settles.  The head psych guy bends over and picks up something.

Head psych guy- Hold it. . .

 shot of crumpled note that says in childish scrawl “Gone to Hollywood to become rich  and famous, bye-    The Beetle Esq.”

Head psych guy-(crumpling note) DAMMIT!!

SCENE 6-  MOVIE OPENING-theme music, title, credits interwoven through scenery shot from a car,  moving highway, cityscapes etc.

SCENE 7-GAS STATION

 The Beetlemobile pulls in and the Beetle starts to fill up the gas tank.

 Gas station -interior.  There is a clerk at the register and some truckers getting coffee.

Beetle (to clerk at counter)- I’m getting $10 in gas and a king size Reeses and (Abraham Lincoln  Lad whispers in his ear) a Zagnut please.

 The clerk rings him up, staring at him the whole time.

Beetle- Thank you, lowly store clerk.

 Gas station-exterior

Beetle (walking to car)- Here, you get this side and I’ll. . .  (Struggles with A.L.L. to open  Zagnut)

 Big hulking truckers from inside the store follow the Beetle outside

Trucker- Hey you!  Tights boy!

 Beetle keeps fumbling with the candy bar

Trucker- Over here, Freak!

Beetle- Excuse me?

Trucker- Yeah, I’m talking to you, Spider-man!

Beetle- I’m sorry sir, you have me mistaken for somebody else.  I am the Beetle, protector and  guardian of Smash City.

Trucker-OOOH!  Get this guys, he “protects” his city, he’s its “guardian!”  What do you think  you are, some kind of super hero?!  Well, you’re pretty far from your city now, aintcha?

Beetle-That’s because, I’m going to Hollywood to. . .

Trucker (interrupting him)-You’re on our turf now and you’re scarin’ away the better people.

Beetle- I don’t care for your attitude young man.  Shouldn’t you be in school?

Trucker (shoving Beetle)- C’mon punk!  Show us your super powers!

Beetle-Abraham Lincoln Lad and I won’t stand for this!

Trucker2-Isn’t dat cute, he names his socks!

Beetle-I’ll have you know that my partner here is feared by many of the scourge of the underworld.

 Trucker breaks off end of a bottle.

Beetle (as Abraham Lincoln Lad)- C’mon! Lemme at ‘im!

Beetle-Whoa!  Easy there, little buddy.  No need for conflict, I’m sure we can work this out.

Trucker2-Oooh, we’re scared of you Mr. Sock.  Look at me shake. (Grabs for A.L.L.)
 The Beetle punches Trucker2 and knocks him to the ground.

Beetle- Alright!  If it’s a fight you want, it’s a fight you’ll get!

Beetle (as A.L.L.)- FOUR SCORE!!!

 A fight ensues.

Trucker-He’s goin’ psycho on us!

 One of the truckers sneaks up behind the Beetle and hits him with a pipe, knocking him  down.  Another starts pulling on Abraham Lincoln Lad.  In the tug-of-war, A.L.L.’s arm  is torn off.

Beetle-Good god!  What have you done?!  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!? (makes a fist with  A.L.L. and punches trucker)

 Fight continues

SCENE 8- ALLEY

 Dusk, bum sitting in trash at the side of the gas station, eating something he scavenged.
 The Beetle stumbles by, all torn up from the fight.  He plops down next to the bum.

Beetle-Mind if I join you, buddy?

Beetle-You know, sometimes I just don’t understand.  You devote your life to keeping them safe.   Helping them.  Keeping their streets clean.  Keeping the weirdos away.  With me around,  people can walk down dark alleys with confidence.  And how do they repay you?  They beat you up, kill your partner (holds up shredded Abraham Lincoln Lad) and they steal your Zagnut.

 Bernie (the bum) offers him whatever he’s eating.

Beetle-Uhh.  No thanks pal.  Say, what’s your name buddy?

 Bernie mumbles, shrugging his shoulders, continues eating

Beetle-Okay. . .  Nice to meet you. . .  Uhh. . .  Bernie?

Beetle (after a pause, where he waits for disapproval)-Bernie, you’ve got it all figured out, don’t  you?  The world turns its back on you so you turn your back on the world. Taking  chances, get it when the gettin’s good.  Who cares if you end up sleeping in filth, smelling  like the monkey cage at the zoo, covered in flies, avoided and shunned by mankind.  I  mean, who needs personal hygiene when you’re having this much fun!  No rules, no deadlines.  You’re in charge of your own destiny.  Life is like one long road trip.  Bernie, my man, you’re one of the smartest men I’ve ever met.

Beetle (after another pause)-Say, you don’t talk much, do you?

Bernie-  mumbles

Beetle-Yeah, you wouldn’t know it, but it’s the quiet ones who know the most.  I mean, you have  those guys that can just talk and talk and talk.  They don’t know anything.  They’re just  full of fluff.  They don’t really have a clue and are scared to death that they’ll be discovered.  It’s the quiet guy in the back who’s truly the clever one.  He just sits back and  takes it all in, making his own judgments and conclusions.

Beetle (after yet another pause)-Things were going good for me, you know.  I was going to be in  the movie biz.  I was going to be something.  Now look at me.  I’m sleeping in an alley  like street scum. . .  No offense there, Bernie.  Everything was going perfectly.  Now, I  just. . .  I just don’t have the spirit left.  You know, life has a way of sneaking up on you  and yanking your shorts up over your head when you think everything’s just peachy.  I  don’t know where I’m going to go from here.  I guess, I’ll just sleep in an alley like you,  become a bum until I catch some horrible ailment and die. . . alone.

 Bernie hands him a wad of papers and magazines to sleep in and rolls over to go to  sleep.

 A magazine catches the Beetle’s eye.  An Entertainment Weekly, cover story, big pre-award ceremony Hollywood social.  All the stars, all the movers and shakers of the movie  biz. Sept. 21

Beetle-By the Hairy Hordes of Hrothgar!  Bernie, give me your cleanest newspaper!

 Bernie passes over a newspaper in pristine condition. Beetle looks at the date

Beetle-September 10!  Bernie, I could kiss you if you weren’t swimming with disease!  (Stands  up) I’m back in business, baby!

 The Beetle runs off screen, leaving Bernie sitting alone.  Hear a car start.  Bottom of car comes into view.

 Closeup of Beetle bending down, Bernie’s point of view.
Beetle-Well, are you coming?

SCENE 9-  MUSICAL ROAD TRIP SCENE.

 a) Map/Calender showing their progress
 b) cityscapes
 c) funny signs
 d) at one point, the music breaks down and their path on the map slows flashing to a shot of Beetle and Bernie without the car
 e) Stops to pick up hitchhiker but peels out as soon as he puts his bags in the Beetlemobile.
 f)  Drives by Jehova's witness hall and scowls
 g) Welcome to Canada sign

Beetle-So, Bernie, get the map.

Bernie- mumbles

Beetle-We’ve got to plot a course to Hollywood.  Since were on a tight schedule here, we  need the fastest route possible. (Looks at map) Look at this city. Hehehehe.  Wallawalla,  Washington!  We are so there!  Look, It’s only six inches from Hollywood!

End Musical, buddy-buddy, road trip interlude.

SCENE 10- ROAD SOMEWHERE

 As the music fades to a stop, the Beetlemobile pulls over to the side of the road, sputtering.  Beetle gets out of the car and opens the hood.  If possible, shot from inside car engine as he opens it.  Everything’s smokey.

Beetle-So, apparently burritos don’t give the car gas.

 Bernie comes over.

Beetle-Well, Bernie, The Beetlemobile is out of commission.  We’ve got no car, 1200 miles to go  and only two days to get to Hollywood.  (Sounding depressed) If we don’t pick up the  pace, we’ll have to tour Universal Studios after the party.

Bernie- mumbles

Beetle- Yeah, we need to get to a bus station.

SCENE 11- The Beetle and Bernie are now hitchhiking (or standing beside the car with signs).   The Beetle is carrying a suitcase.  Bernie is holding a little sign that says “Bus or Bust.”
 A car stops beside them and the driver rolls down his window.

Man- You guys having some trouble?

 The Beetle is wandering around with his finger pointing to the horizon.

Beetle- (in a little kid's voice/ despondent) California...

Bernie- mumbles

Man (confused)- sorry gents, but I-

Bernie- mumbles (furiously)

 Bernie reaches into his jacket . When the man sees him reach, he gets wide eyed
 and peels out. Bernie chases him mumbling apologetically. Bernie pulls a map out of his
 pocket and waves it in the air while running. During this time, The Beetle is still wandering.

 Fade out

SCENE 12- HITCHHIKING
 Same setting as Scene 11.  Fade in

Beetle-Once we get to Hollywood, I have to adopt a secret identity.  It will enable me to lead a  normal life without having villains trying to off me all of the time.  It will also protect my  loved ones.  You saw what happened back at the gas station.

Bernie- mumbles.

 The Beetle turns around, hiding his face.  When he turns around, he is wearing a pair of  glasses over his mask.

Beetle-Well, what do you think?

 Bernie looks shocked and looks around frantically for the Beetle.

Beetle-No, Bernie. See, (takes off glasses) it’s me!
 Bernie acts relieved.  Gives Beetle thumbs up.

Beetle-If I had thought of this sooner, what went on at the gas station wouldn’t have happened  and. . .  (Starts to cry) Abraham Lincoln Lad would still be alive today, on my hand  instead of in a shoebox in my suitcase.

 Bernie comforts him.

Beetle-It’s O.K.  It’s O.K.  You’re right.  He wouldn’t want me to be like this.  He would have  wanted me to move on.  Get to Hollywood and make our movie!  Get a new sidekick!   Which reminds me Bernie, if you’re going to chum with me, you’re going to need a  superhero costume.  Let’s see. . .  (Looks around and sees a paper bag) AHA! (Plops it on  Bernie’s head) Now, a little tape. (Wraps tape around his neck)

Bernie- mumbles frantically.

Beetle-Bernie, I can’t understand a single thing you’re saying!

 Bernie points at the bag on his head.

Beetle-What is it man! SPEAK UP!

 Bernie starts to gasp for air, hands clawing at the neck of the bag.

Beetle-Good enough, your own mother wouldn’t recognize you.

 Bernie takes one step and drops off screen to the ground. He starts to crawl around until  he hits the car with his head. He continues to crawl against the car.

Beetle-Maybe we should go for the eye holes after all.

SCENE 13-AIRPORT.

 A man (Jacques) is walking down the terminal.  He is carrying a packet of papers.  He  stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.  The headline says Preparations Underway for  Big Hollywood Gala.  Jacques exits airport.

SCENE 14-BUS INTERIOR.
  People are in their seats.  The Beetle is running all over the bus all hyper like, holding  his script.  Shot of Bernie, sleeping in his seat.

Beetle-So, as it turns out that he blamed the accident on the Beetle because the Beetle had  inadvertently triggered his transformation into the Eradicator!  Then. . .

 The Beetle is standing in the middle of the aisle, his back to the front of the bus.  He  jumps  into a dramatic pose and throws his arm back hitting Jacques as he is boarding  the bus.  Both the Beetle and Jacques drop their papers.

Beetle-Excuse me citizen.  I was just recounting one of the most tremendous battles the world has  ever known.  It’s gonna be a movie soon, once I get to Hollywood.  If you hurry and take  your seat, you can catch the end.

Jacques(in French accent!  He’s French remember!)-I’m not in the mood.

Beetle-Do what you like, but you’re missing out.  It’s gonna be huge!

 Jacques grabs the wrong package and finds a seat.  The Beetle grabs the remaining  package.  Jacques sits down.  The Beetle sits beside him.

Beetle-This looks like a good place to park my puddin’.

 Jacques scowls at him.

Beetle-Hey, Buddy!  Looks like we’ll be sitting together for the duration.  I’m the Beetle, super- hero extraordinaire.

Jacques-Don’t talk to me.

Beetle-That’s a nice accent.  Swedish?  I just love your fish.

Jacques-It’s French, you twit.

Beetle-That’s great.  So, where are you from?

Jacques-(sighs then shouts) FRANCE!

Beetle-(a bit taken aback) Oh, well. . .  I just love your fries.

 They sit in silence for a little while.  The Beetle looks around, whistling, twiddling his  thumbs.

Jacques-Will you stop that!

Beetle-Sorry. (And continues to fidget) Hey, did I tell you I’m going to Hollywood!?

Jacques-Yes.

Beetle-Well, I am going to Hollywood.  I just wrote a movie script based on my life.  I’m going to  sell it to a big producer and be known nation wide!  I’ll be bigger than Batman! (Turns  and looks to Jacques for response.)

 Jacques is ignoring him and is looking out the window.

Beetle-Here, I’ll tell you the story and you tell me what you think.  It all started when I was a  nerdy college student.  I was at a science exhibition when I was bitten by a radioactive  beetle. . .
 
 

SCENE 15: BUS STOP

 Beetle: well Bernie, this is it . we've made it. I can almost smell our success from here and  let me tell you friend,  it smells better than those little crunchy tater thingies that they serve with the little value meals at Burger King in the morning. Breathe it in, buddy. Breathe it in.

Bernie: (breathes deeply) mumbles

Beetle: Well sir talkalot, if you're done here, we can go find a place to stay and get to work.  We've got to try to get some references before that party tonight

SCENE 16: HOTEL ROOM

 Beetle sitting at a table with a telephone.

Beetle (with hand held out): Phone book Bernard

 Bernie hands him the phone book

 Beetle: Holy shoot! it's as fat as a phoneboo..!.Oh, yeah. Now let's get busy

 Beetle opens book and starts browsing

Beetle: Aha! (dials number) Hello, is Mr. Burton there? Sure I'll hold. (to Bernie)  Wow!  Who'd  have thought that we'd hit the jackpot on our first try!

 (something to give the illusion that he waits for a long time/ tapping pencil, banging  head, etc.)

 Voice on phone says something, Beetle perks up

Beetle: Oh, he's busy? well then, I'll just have to try back later. (pause) No, thank you

Beetle- Well, (browsing) Who’s next? Oh! (Dials) Hi, may I speak to Mr. Cameron,....Well,  I....No.....Yes.....I understand he’s a busy ma...Hey....No....Would you just let me talk to  him? Thank you. I’m glad you see it my way.....Hello?

Beetle- (to Bernie) That’s strange. We seem to have been disconnected. Oh well.

Beetle- Hello. May I speak to Mr Craven please? You need an appointment for a phone call?!  That’s stupid. Why yes I would. How about in four minutes....Hello?...Hello?

Beetle- Is Mr. Stone there? He’s in a meeting? Hey wait a minute, Who’s that talking? It’s him  isn’t it? He’s standing right there isn’t he? ISN’T HE?! Well you just tell Mr. Snooty Pants that I never wanted to talk to him anyway. (Slams down phone)

Beetle- What’s wrong with this crazy town?(dials phone, listens, rings) You know, it’s a wonder movies ever get made! I mean how’s a normal guy like me supposed to get a brea-(cut off  to talk on phone)-Hi can you connect me to Mr. Tarantino’s office? Just tell him it’s the  Beetle, I’m sure he’ll-(cut off again)- Hello?...Hello?

Beetle- Jeez! What’s her problem? (Pauses) Bernie, something fishy’s going on here and I think I  have a pretty good idea of what it is. Watch and learn, my man.

Beetle-(Dials and listens) Hi, is (reading) S. Spielberg there? Oh don’t worry we’re old college  buddies. No problem.  (To Bernie)-She’s putting me through, see you just need to say the  right things.  (To phone)-Hi Steve? How’s it going....Phil?.... Phil... the janitor? No,  I don't need your slop mop. Listen, um....I’ll call you back .

Beetle- I don’t get it, I’m almost through the list of good guys and I got nothing! I’m getting kind  of frustrated.

MUSIC AND COLLAGE OF PHONE CALLS AND THE BEETLE’S REACTIONS
Beetle- He’s busy? Sure. I know what that means! Don’t even bother!

Beetle- Just a minute? Right, I’ve heard that one before! (Kind of stuck up) I’ll say good day to  you sir.

Beetle- You’ll put me through to his cell phone? Oh that’s rich. Sister, you’ve got to get up pretty  early in the morning to sneak one past the Beetle.

Beetle(Warning! Canadians only joke!)- Dad, it’s Patrick, I just took out life insurance!!!! (Slams phone down-chuckles)

Beetle- Oh, he’s speaking is he? That’s the best one yet! And I thought Phil the janitor was  good! (Trailing off) oh boy!

 *Scene flashes to a fancy office- or busy Hollywood street

Man- (holding phone) Well, I don’t know what to make of that. Hope everything works out for  him.

 *Back in hotel room

Beetle- Well Bernie, we’re out of luck. No time for the little guy in today’s lightning paced film  industry. Looks like we’re going to that party tonight, colder than cucumbers.

SCENE 17- OUTSIDE PARTY BUILDING

 Bustling street-limos and expensive cars pulling up-people in tuxes and gowns getting  out/
close up at front door camera shows only shoulders down.

Doorman- Mr. Cruise, Nicole, Glad you could make it, We saved you a table

Doorman- (turns quickly) Miss Bullock you look lovely this evening, if you’d just go right  through there(points to the party)

Doorman-(worried) Mr. Schwarzenegger, where are you going, we have a-

Arnold- I’ll be back

 Activity slows a little

 Beetle is dressed in a tux, mask and glasses with Bernie dressed well also, casually walk  up. The Doorman blocks the door so they can’t get in. They turn around and merge with  a group of actors when a limo pulls up. Door opens and crowd comes in -flashes going  off and lots of talking.  Start Mentos music (doop dooby doo do do doo doo waaaah!).  A  man (Frank Costella) gets out of the limo and is swarmed by reporters. The Beetle  inconspicuously goes around to the back of the limo and goesthrough it like was in it to  begin with. He slips in with the crowd.

SCENE 18- PARTY SCENE

 Beetle immediately ducks off to the side*close up of the Beetle* wipes sweat off brow and  holds up a pack of Mentos. There is a shout from behind: Get ‘im!!!The Beetle spins  around to see Bernie dash into the ballroom and barrel-roll under a table of appetizers.

Beetle- Oh Yeah!! That guy!( Like he had forgotten)

 Bernie pops out from under the table next to the beetle, stands up, brushes himself off.

Beetle- glad you could make it

Bernie- mumbles and shrugs /  starts to eat the appetizers.

Beetle- Tell you what, you go check out the food, while I mingle with these film guys.

 Bernie slides off screen

Beetle-(to himself) It’s do or die friend

 Beetle casually walks through the party, passes one particular group

*Conversation in which the Beetle gets their attention and then shows them a script, people read it and pass it to people they know, spreading it across the room. Everyone is so into the script that they wander off, leaving the beetle by himself. The beetle is still kinda getting used to the fact, still taking it in-just then Bernie walks by with a heaping pile of appetizers, beetle snags him

Beetle- Bernie? Guess what?

Bernie- mumbles

Beetle- Well, no. I just showed my script to a bunch of people and they loved it! They’re showing  to all their friends! This is easy! You can go back to eating now. You know I don’t like to keep a man from his work.

 Bernie walks off. The two B-movie guys approach him

Carl-Mr. Coleoptera, my name is Carl Sanburg, and this is my partner Hector Venezuelez.  We’re  extremely interested in your treatment.

Beetle-Really!  That’s great!

Hector-I’m afraid we’re not as big a studio as some of these guys.

Carl-Yeah! But we smell summer blockbuster with this one!

Hector-Yeah, if we could get some big name actors... I’m getting kind of a Jeremy Irons feel for  the villain

Beetle- That’s funny, I always pictured him as Jim Carrey, or Urkel

Carl- What about the main character? I’m thinking Bruce Willis or Wesley Snipes.

Beetle- I couldn’t agree with you more

Frank Costella(from off screen)-Carl!  Hector!  Stop harassing Mr. Coleoptera!

 As Frank enters, Carl and Hec make themselves scarce.

Carl (giving Beetle his business card)-Here’s our card!  We’ll do lunch!

Beetle-O.K. Bye guys!

Frank-I’m very sorry about that, Mr. Coleoptera.  I don’t know how they got invitations.  Listen,  I want you to meet somebody. (Ushers him over to beautiful woman) Mr. Coleoptera, this  is my daughter, Carolyn.  Carolyn, this is the, uh,  rather eccentric Mr. Coleoptera.

Carolyn-Hi.

Beetle-Uh, hi.  Swell ta meetcha.

Frank-I’ve got to go talk to Mr. Coppola.  It’s business.  I’ll leave you two.

Carolyn-So, Mr. Coleoptera, I hear your script is making quite a splash with these movie bigwigs.

Beetle-Yeah.  Hey, do you want to know a secret?  (Leans over and whispers) I think I’m going  to let those two guys have it.

Carolyn-Carl and Hec!  They’ve never made anything successful!  But they’re strictly B- movies!

Beetle-Exactly!  B for Beetle!  I figure they’ll have to do it right!

Carolyn-What about my father?  He seems pretty interested in your script and he’s a lot bigger  than those two.

Beetle-That may be so, but I don’t want him to make my movie if they come out looking as fake as that rug he wears on his head!

Carolyn-You know, Mr. Coleoptera, I like you.  You seem different from the rest of these guys. They’re all fake, just trying to make a buck off of the next big thing but you. . .  you’re funny.   I’ll see you around.

 Carolyn leaves and Bernie comes over with a plate heaping with finger food.

Beetle-Hey Bernie!  Things are looking up for the Beetle!  It looks like I’m in the movie biz, and a  girl just said she’d see me around!

Bernie- mumbles

SCENE  19- JACQUES' ROOM   (Tilt camera during villain scenes ala Batman.)

 Jacques is at a desk studying blueprints.

Jacques- Formidable!

 He whips out the Entertainment Weekly with the cover story and starts pointing with an  exacto knife.

Jacques- How many people are going to be sorry? I see one. I see two. I see three. (after a pause)
 I C-4 HA HA HA HA HA!

 He tears open his bag to reveal gray bricks of C-4 explosives in it. he continues laughing  as he picks up his plans (keep in mind they're actually the Beetle's). The laughing slows.  Jacques is shocked. He starts to flip through the pages frantically.

Jacques- NOOOOOON!

SCENE 20- COUNTRY CLUB

 Beetle is backing away from the court with a tennis racket talking to an off screen  character

Beetle- Good game Ken! You’re just lucky I was having an off day!

 Turns to Bernie and starts walking

Beetle-(quietly to Bernie) You know I would’ve beaten him if his hair wasn’t so dynamically molded.

 Walking away from the tennis courts, the pair is approached by Frank Costella and his caddy in a cart and two Japanese guys, Frank steps out and shakes the Beetle’s hand

Frank- ah! Mr. Coleoptera! I see you got my invitation. Ted didn’t give you any trouble did he?

Beetle- Ted?

Frank- He’s one of the security guards.

Beetle- Security guards?

Frank- at the check in?

Beetle- ooh!.....Riiiight.

Frank- forget about it. So, have you given any more thought to my offer?

Beetle- Well...I..

Frank- (interrupting) Oh, where are my manners, Mr. Coleoptera, I’d like to introduce you to some friends of mine, Mr. Ohashi and his partner Mr. Kazuya

*Beetle talks in Japanese to the men. First he makes good conversation, but then he slips up, shocking the men. Beetle realizes he has messed up and frantically tries to dig himself out, but actually only digs himself deeper. Suddenly the men break out laughing like the beetle has just told a joke. Now the beetle is shocked but starts to laugh with them. Bernie mumbles something and they all stop and look at him. Beetle then utters on word and they start to laugh again. The Japanese men get back into their cart and are patting the beetle on his shoulder. They leave.

Frank- you never cease to amaze me Mr. Coleoptera, Now, you were saying about the  screenplay?

Beetle- Oh yeah, Well Frankly Frank, (chuckles) I hate to break it to you. Your offer was  tempting but you do nothing for me. I’m gonna give it to the two guys from the party.

Frank- (under his breath) I see, Carl and Hector. (Normal) Well, It’s clear that you haven’t had  enough time to think about it. I’m rushing you. You take a little time to think about it and  I’ll get back to you later. I’ll have Carolyn call you. Ciao!

 Frank and his caddy hop into the cart and drive off.

Beetle- Jeez, What’s the matter with that guy. Can’t take no for an answer? I did tell him no, right?

Bernie- mumbles and shrugs shoulders

SCENE 21-  ON SITE AT MOVIE

 Production crew on street with Beetle. Onlookers/extras behind road blocks. Beetle is  wearing black hooded sweatshirt tied tightly so as to hide his face.

Hector-(to Beetle) Okay. In this scene we see a man, that would be you, walking casually down  the street. You accidentally bump into your co-star here and say “sorry.” got it?

Beetle- Nothin’ but net, both hands behind my back.

Carl- ready, action!

 Beetle walks semi-casual down the street and bumps into the man (pretty heavily because  he can’t see well

Beetle- Pardon my ingress, citizen! Carry on!

Carl and Hector- CUT!

Carl- Okay Mr. Coleoptera, you seem a little tense. Just try to act casual.

Hector- Yeah, You’re just trying too hard. And I already told you once, get rid of these!

 Hector snatches Beetle’s antennae of his sweatshirt.

 Just then two people, a man and a woman, dressed in black trench coats emerge from the  crowd.

Man- Excuse me Mr. Coleoptera, we’re from the FBI. If you’d just come with us for a moment,  we’d like to ask you a few questions.

 They put the Beetle into a car and drive away.

Carl- Well, what are we going to do now?

Hector- Don’t worry we don’t need him anyway. That was his only line.

 Carl and Hector continue to discuss the Beetle’s part as the camera focuses on Carolyn  and Bernie watching the Beetle leave, Jacques casually walks up behind them and chloroforms the two of them, and slips away inconspicuously.

 Jacques drags them a short distance to his car and props them up on it. He opens the  trunk and loads Bernie in. He goes back for Carolyn. She is starting to wake up as  Jacques drags her to the back of the car. Close up of her face as she wakes up and looks  around. She jams her spiked heel into Jacques instep. He lets go of her and starts to run.  He quickly catches up but she spins and kicks him in the groin, screaming at him.  Jacques drops to his knees and she takes off running. Jacques starts swearing in French.

SCENE 22- THE FBI INTERROGATION

 Two FBI agents watching through a two way mirror into room
 Inside the room, the Beetle at a table, two men in shirts and ties, gun holsters, the whole  deal

Beetle- what’s this all about anyway? Is it because I copied those tapes? I saw your warning, but I  figured there was no way you could tell I did it. That’s it isn’t it?

 Man hesitates, then writes on clipboard very carefully so as not to be noticed.

Man- (pretending) of course, you were a fool to think that we wouldn’t catch you. Now, it may be a surprise to you, but there are other reasons why you’re here.

Beetle- I don’t know what you’re talking about

Man- (yelling) Don’t play dumb with me!

 2nd man slams both hands on the table

Beetle- Who’s playing?

Man- Now, Mr. Coleoptera, if that is your real name, (Beetle grimaces) do you recognize this?

 He slides script about halfway across the table

Beetle- Well,.. that looks like my-

Man- Answer the Question!

 2nd Man slams both hands down on the table

Beetle- It’s the script to my movie. It’s going to be a major production soon. Want an autograph?

 Man aggrevatedly massages his temples like he has a headache

Man- Mr. Coleoptera, are you aware who we are?

Beetle- You’re Fibbies Aintcha?

Man- (shudders) Yes. Are you aware that we’ve already done a background check on you?

Beetle- uhhm, yeah. Why not.

Man- Well it seems that you match the description of an escaped mental patient from Smash City  who gave the city quite a scare a while back with the kidnaping of the chief of police.  We have reason to believe that this (points to the script) is a terrorist’s agenda. You  wouldn’t know anything about that would you Mr. Coleoptera?

Beetle- You know, I’m reminded of a poem that....

 Man massages his temples

OUTSIDE OF INTERROGATION ROOM, the two agents are watching the questioning through one way glass.

Female Agent-Obviously, he’s a delusional psychotic with an extensive history of mental illness.  He's created this fictional world that he lives in where he is a super hero. It's textbook escapism fantasism. He's not confident with who he is, so he creates this new "super" persona to help him deal with life. Only now, it's got out of hand and his fantasy is including his environment.

Male Agent-I think he’s an alien.  See the antennae?

INTERROGATION ROOM:

Beetle- ...and that’s what was wrong with the eighties. Now, as for the nineties....

 Fade out.

SCENE 23- NIGHT AT THE LOCKUP

 Beetle is asleep. Suddenly a clang

Guard- Yo, freak. You got a visitor.

Beetle- (sleepily) ... Abe?......Carolyn!

Carolyn (all nervous looking)- Mr. Coleoptera! (Whispers) we’ve got to get you out of here.  Your friend...

Beetle- Bernie?

Carolyn- whatever. Anyway, this guy attacked us. I was able to get away, but what’s his name,  Bernie, well he’s still got him.

Beetle- well who was this....guy?....

Carolyn- he had some weird accent. French, or something.

Beetle- wait! I know who you’re talking about! Bernie and I met a rude Frenchman on the bus  here!

Carolyn- How’re we gonna narrow it down? (Ba-dump-ching)

Beetle- Don’t worry. This’s the guy. I’d know his foul visage any day.

Carolyn- but you haven’t even seen him!

Beetle- Aha! My point exactly!

Carolyn- What are you talking about?

 Beetle winks at her. Carolyn’s face remains the same.

Carolyn- you’re not making any sense. Guard? Did they do something to him?

Guard- He’s a nut, lady. I don’t even know why you’re bothering.  You’re wasting your time.

Beetle- you’ll never get away with this!

Carolyn- (worried) I gotta get out of here.

Beetle- Wait! My medicine!

Carolyn (playing along)- Oh! I almost forgot...(reaches into her purse)

Guard- (grabbing) Miss, I’m afraid you can’t ....

 Carolyn whips her hand out of her purse with a can of mace. She spins and sprays.  Guard clutches face and screams and grabs for her. She steps to the side and bashes him  over the head with something. Guard drops to the floor. She reaches down and gets the  keys, then goes to unlock the cell.

Beetle- Golly. He just fell right down didn’t he?

Carolyn-Shut up. We’ve got to get out of here.

 They both take off out of the room.

SCENE 24: NIGHT IN A BEDROOM

 FBI investigator (senior) asleep in bed/ phone rings

Fibbie-(answers) Nelson...what? Oh, sh-

SCENE 25: THE BEETLE’S APARTMENT

 Beetle opens door followed by Carolyn

Carolyn- I still don’t get it. How do you know where he is?

Beetle- It’s simple. He’s french, right? Where do french people go? To nude beaches!

Carolyn- So, we’re going to a nude beach?

Beetle- Of course not. That would be too predictable.

Carolyn- I don’t follow

Beetle- What’s the closest thing we have to a nude beach around here? Downtown L.A.!

Carolyn- No, it’s not.

Beetle- (trying to shut her up) Uh! Uh! Uh! I’m not finished. What movie featured the city L.A.?
 Volcano! What around here is closest to a volcano? Hills.

Carolyn- But there are tons of hills around here!

Beetle- Let me explain. You see, Volcano was made in Hollywood, so it only makes sense that he  would go to the Hollywood sign, the perfect setting for the final climactic battle between the good and evil in his life and with his passion for films, it’s a no-brainer. At least that’s where I would go if I was French.

Carolyn- How do you know he has a passion for films?

Beetle- I figure he has the same appetites we humans do.

Carolyn- You’re crazy! You want us to go all the way up to the Hollywood sign based on that crazy story?

Beetle- You got a better one?

Carolyn- Well, anything’s better than that.

Beetle-I have to say that I’m not impressed.

Carolyn- I’m not going to the sign.

Beetle- Neither am I.

Carolyn- What!? There’s more to that flimsy explanation? Where do you suggest we go now?

Beetle- How about the 'burbs?

Carolyn- What!?! we’re going to the suburbs? WHY!?!

Beetle- Because that’s where it says to go on this note.

Carolyn- That's the complimentary note pad from the hotel. And you're holding a pen. And you've  spelled "French" wrong.
Beetle- Well you can't expect me to get everything right. I think I did pretty well deciphering his  primitive language.

Carolyn- But that still doesn't help us! Hey... wait a minute!  My dad knows this private eye...  maybe ...(looks at the Beetle) How can you keep your sense of humor at a time like this?!

 The Beetle looks confused. A phone rings. Beetle and Carolyn both pause.

Beetle- Telephone.

 Carolyn stares at him

Beetle- Oooooh. I gotcha.

 Carolyn stares at him

Beetle- (pauses) I'll get it.

 Beetle answers phone

Beetle- Hello?

Jacques  (on the other line)- This is Jacques from France. I have your friend.

Beetle-  Who are you?  Answer me!

Jacques- Amusing. I assume you want to see him again, so I propose a little switch. Bring the plans to...

Beetle-  What do you want from me!?

Jacques- Ah, yes. You're quite the entertainer. Now, as I was saying, bring the plans to
 the old mall parking lot next to the Hillside View. I'll be waiting.
Beetle- You think you're so safe in your secret hideout, but I can have this call traced so fast-

 A click is heard as Jacques hangs up the phone.

Beetle- Oh, well.

 Beetle hangs up the phone.

Carolyn- Who was that?

Beetle- I don't know. I couldn't make out a word of his drunken Irish drawl.

Beetle- And talk about crazy! You say I’m crazy! If you ask me, he’s just as crazy as those black- suits.

Carolyn- wait! What do you mean?

Beetle- All they can talk about is plans. Plans, plans, terrorists, secret agendas, and plans. The  whole world’s gone crazy, and frankly, it’s beginning to scare me.

Carolyn- Mr. Coleoptera! Don’t you get it? It’s your movie! They’re talking about the script!

Beetle- What?

Carolyn- The script! You must have somehow gotten hold of some terrorist’s plans!

Beetle- Come again?

Carolyn- The script is the plans! That’s why the feds are onto you. And looking at our situation,  I’d say the original owner wants them back.

Beetle- You know. Now that you mention it......

 Carolyn looks out of the window

Carolyn- Come on, we’ve got to get moving. This place will be swarming with cops in a couple of minutes.

Beetle- So, lemme get this straight. You’re saying that I have the plans in my script.....

Carolyn- Let’s go! (Grabs arm and drags him out of the room)
 

SCENE 26: OUTSIDE THE BUILDING

 The Beetle and Carolyn drive away from the building seconds before the cops arrive.

SCENE 27: THE PARKING LOT

 The parking lot is dark. The Beetle’s car is the only one in the entire thing. He gets out of  the car

Beetle- all right fiend. I’m here. come and get it.

Jacques (voice)- allo! Who is it?

Beetle- Aha! I knew you’d slip up you limy Brit! Show yourself!

Jacques- Francois! Pierre! Ted! ATTACK!

 Just then 3 ninjas appear out of the shadows. One is brandishing a pair of sais, one a bo staff, and the other has a sword.

Beetle- What’s this? A fight? Now this place is coming alive.

 Beetle gets into a fighting stance and slowly starts to circle as the ninjas surround him.

Beetle- all right, give me your best sh-

 The sword ninja jumps the beetle from behind, knocking him to the ground, then backs off

Beetle- (too himself)oops! Mustn’t have seen that one coming. (Out loud)Lucky shot!

 Beetle starts to get up but sees a ninja rush, so ducks and steps through, elbowing the  ninja in the ribs, dropping him. By this time, Carolyn has gotten out of the car and has  wandered off and is trying to sneak up on one of the ninjas, but just before reaching him,  Jacques steps out of the shadows and grabs her from behind, muffling her scream. The  ninjas continue at the Beetle. Carolyn bites Jacques’ hand.

Jacques- Ahh! Mince!

Carolyn- straining to get away- Mr.. Coleoptera, help!

Beetle- Carolyn? Alright boys no more playing.

 All three ninjas jump on the beetle smothering him. Suddenly his arm pops out of the pile  knocking one of the ninjas back. Beetle explodes out of the pile and both of the ninjas  back off. A ninja (1st one off) then starts doing all these fancy kicks and stuff at the  beetle and ends it off with flying kick at his head, the beetle brushes it off to the side (the  ninja passes by) as the other rushes at him. The ninja behind throws another kick which  the beetle spins and blocks. He then returns to the front in time to jump over a swing  from the bo. On the back swing, the Beetle catches the bo and grins. He proceeds to grab  the guy’s head and smashing it to his knee, taking him out of the fight. He grabs the bo  and spins, taking out the knees of the ninja behind him. By this time, the last ninja comes  at him. He throws R inner crescent, beetle blocks, then throws a L hook punch, beetle  blocks. Beetle chops collar and spins into a hip throw then starts bashing him into the  ground again and again until  Sai-guy comes back at the beetle with a fake R roundhouse  and goes into a L spinning hook, catching the beetle in the ribs/head. Ninja advances and  throws a L outer crescent, catching the beetle across the face. He then has gotten his sais  and is facing the beetle. The beetle picks up the bo once more. Saiguy starts a routine of  flashy flips and stuff trying to intimidate the beetle, circling the whole time. The beetle  then starts clumsily swinging the bo like a bat. The sia-guy starts closing in on the beetle.  Just then, we see the beetle with a smirk on his face (close-up) he then explodes out  swinging the bo like a master. The ninja is taken aback, then rushes forward.   Brandishing the sais he attacks wildly with the beetle countering wildly. This goes on for  a while until the beetle sees an opening clocks him in the head. He then quickly drops to  his knees and swings up, catching the ninja in the groin. The ninja crumples. The Beetle  proceeds to keep beating him with the bo. He then stands up

Jacques- Ma foi! Tell me he’s not done what I have seen him do!

 Jacques then collects himself and tightens his hold on Carolyn. he pulls out a gun and  points it at her head, Beetle starts to walk slowly towards him.

Jacques- Arrete! Stop! I will shoot!

 Beetle stops

Jacques- Now that I’ve got your attention, give me my plans!

Beetle- there you go again with the plans. You’re not making any sense.

Jacques- Enough of this foolishness. I will give you to the third count. Un...

 Carolyn looks worried

Jacques- ....deux.....

Beetle- (waves his hands in front of his nose) - peee-eww! (Scottish)Ach!, yur a cheese eatin’  laddie, aren’t ye?

Jacques- I’m FRENCH!

Beetle- (excitedly) yeah!

Jacques- Hein?

 Jacques looks confused, then we see what the Beetle was excited about. Bernie emerges from  the shadows and wraps his arms around Jacques’ head.

Beetle- Good work Bern!

 Beetle rams shoulder into Jacques and slams him into the wall. As Jacques slides down the wall, the Beetle grabs him by the lapel and picks him up.

Beetle- This is for America, pastry boy!

 Beetle uppercuts him and lets him drop. Suddenly a bunch of cop cars pull in. All the cops  pile out and whip out their guns, pointing them at the scene of the battle. The beetle stands over Jacques’ frail and defeated body on the ground shivering and in a fetal position.

Cop- All right! We have you surrounded. Reach for some sky!

 Two cops rush in to cuff the beetle when suddenly the FBI guy comes forward. As Jacques  is being dragged off

Jacques- I would have gotten away with it too. If it weren’t for that meddling Beetle. Him and that  BUM of his.

FBIguy- it’s all right! Let him go. (To Beetle)Mr. Coleoptera, nice to see you again. I want to  apologize for any inconvenience we might have caused you before. We made a mistake, but  you helped us capture the real terrorist. Old Jacques here has been eluding us for years and  without your expertise, we probably wouldn’t have gotten the drop on him.

Beetle- Well, You know, I live to give.

FBIguy- It clearly shows. If there is anything that I or the chief can do to make your stay more  pleasant here in Hollywood, just let us know.

Beetle- Well I saw way too many weird people here. It makes us normal people edgy.

FBIguy- (chuckles)Well, we’ll see what we can do about that.

Lackey- Sir, phone.

FBIguy- Excuse me Mr. Coleoptera, I’ll only be a minute.

 FBIguy walks off. Carolyn drops into his arms and Beetle pats Bernie on the shoulder. Frank  Costella walks in.

Frank- Oh Carolyn, are you all right?....Mr. Coleoptera? What are you doing here?

Carolyn- He saved me, Daddy.

Frank- Mr. Coleoptera, despite your rank business deals, I respect you even more now than ever. If  there is ever anything that I can do-

FBIguy (walking back to group)-(seriously)- Mr, Coleoptera, I’m afraid there has been some bad news. You see, we weren’t completely wrong about you. It appears that you have escaped from a mental hospital in Smash City and I have no choice but to return you to your room.

Carolyn- What do you mean “no choice”?

FBIguy- I mean it’s my duty to place Mr. Coleoptera in a safe environment where he can’t hurt other   people and they can’t hurt him. The only way we could avoid it is to find a host family for him and put him on a probational custody. But that’s not going to happen. Nobody wants to adopt a screwball. Especially one with such violent tendencies, such as Mr. Coleoptera here.

Carolyn- Well that’s where you’re wrong. He’s living with me and Daddy.

 Frank looks surprised

Carolyn- You said anything, Daddy.

 Frank reluctantly agrees.

Beetle- Well, I guess all of this means that my script wasn’t really the one everyone liked. I won’t need this anymore (reaches into his car and pulls out a copy of his original script) gets ready to tear it to shreds.

Frank- wait! Mr. Coleoptera, I know you’ve got talent. I can just tell that about a person. Just give me a chance. Let me read the script. (Beetle hands him the script and he browses through it)
 Well ripple my zipple! This is pretty powerful. The public eats up this kind of stuff. If you’ll let me, I’d like to do your movie.

Beetle- Well ripple my zipple! That’s great! I’m back in business' baby!
 
 

SCENE 28- OUTSIDE MOVIE THEATER (opening day)

 shows outside of theater with crowds of people in line

SCENE 29- INSIDE THE THEATER (MST3K)

 *screen shows original beetle playing with a row of silhouetted seats in front. The Beetle  and Bernie with Carolyn (silhouettes) Shuffle into the right side of the isle and take  their seats. They start to watch some crappy parts, and they proceed to make smart  comments and remarks, making fun of the movie. (Ala Mystery Science Theater 3000)
 

SCENE 30- OUTSIDE THE THEATER

Beetle- well that was eventful. I think I’d better wait a while before the sequel.

 He tosses a package of papers into a garbage barrel and he and Bernie and Carolyn walk  off. Frank Costella cautiously sneaks onto the screen looking in the direction of where they  went to. He then (trying to look inconspicuous) reaches into the barrel and pulls out the  script for the sequel, smooths it out, and puts it inside his jacket and walks off.

SCENE 31- THE BRIDGE
 The three of them (Beetle, Bernie, and Carolyn) are standing on a bridge watching the sun  set. The Beetle has a box with him.

Beetle- (to box) I wish you could have been here for this buddy. It’s just not the same without you.
 (Out loud) He would have wanted it this way. (Opens box and pours the contents into the  river below)

 There is a moment of silence as they sit and relax a bit.

Beetle- Well, he’s done it. He’s conquered the film industry. What does fate have in store next for the  Beetle?  Sitcoms perhaps?
 *Either fade as the three walk to the area about six feet to the right of the camera/  or  snap right in to the Seinfeld parody

SCENE 32- SEINFELD PARODY

Jerry-beetle
Kramer-Bernie
George-ALL
Elaine-Carolyn
Newman-Jacques

 Bernie flies through the door, spins around, and mumbles something.-audience cheers (laugh track)///hello, Jacques/

       ************