The Beetle: The Movie

Here is the page for my movie, THE BEETLE. It was originally released in 1995, but was rereleased later with new cg graphics and never-before-seen scenes. Not the movie I would have made, but hey, I wrote and starred in it, so what can I say.

After a memorable credit scene that rivals the one from Superman, we fade in to see some bums who just robbed a family on a rooftop...

"Halt, base villains!" That's what I was thinking.	"I peed my pants." That's what he was probably thinking.
"I am THUG#2!" Man, I can read these guys like a book!	And then I schooled them back to the stone age! I don't know why this picture is all weird. I blame aliens.

And then THE ERADICATOR sends the cops a tape for some reason. He said he would commit a major act of terrorism every 24 hours until his demands were met. I don't remember what they were. Probably wanted money, or chicks, or a new car or some stuff like that. Anyway, then he and his minion, SNYGLEE, had a little conversation about me. The Eradicator told Snyglee some stuff about my origin, that I was an escaped mental patient, and that I was responsible for the accident that hideously scarred his face when he was but a two-bit punk who made his living robbing from innocent people, but he's a LIAR.

The Eradicator sent two of his goons to implement stage one of his plan, TO OPEN FIRE ON A PLAYGROUND! Fortunately, my BEETLE SENSES alerted me to his dastardly plan, and me and my sidekick EXPENDABLE BOY, rushed to thwart it.

Unfortunately, Expendable Boy didn't
make it through that mission.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

Those punks got away, but at least we...sob...I mean I managed to chase them off, discouraging their evil plans. I bet THE ERADICATOR gave them a good tounge lashing! Ho HO!

I quickly set up auditions for a new sidekick. After I waded through dozens of So-and-So Boys, and Johnny Malones, and Batman, I found my Bug Boy in the form of this kid named Billy!	Rocky-esque training montage. I kid you not. "Training haaaard nooooow......."
The citizens of Smash City greet their favorite son.	Twenty four hours was almost up! The Eradicator sent some more of his thugs with a suitcase bomb to blow up City Hall! Luckily, Bug Boy and I got there in the nick of time. They opened fire and hit Bug Boy six or seven times I think. Who can keep track of stuff like that in the thick of it. We split up. I chased off the riff-raff and Bug Boy got the honor of diffusing the bomb. Sadly, I had forgotten that Bug Boy did not know how to diffuse a bomb... Rest in peace, little Billy, rest in peace.
The Eradicator's next target was Police Chief Wiggins. Wiggins and me never saw eye-to-eye. I think he has a small tie. I am a poet.	Me and my new sidekick, Larvae Lad get jiggy with it in this elaborate dance sequence. Our get-down time is interrupted by this funny feeling that Wiggins had been kidnapped by several unknown assailants.

Disguised as pizza delivery boys, Larvae Lad and I stealthily infilitrate the warehouse where Wiggins was being held captive. As I ripped the cap from my head and took off the pizza guy's shirt to say, "A helping of punishment is what you deserve!" Larvae Lad was shot. This left it up to me to save the day again. I beat up the guards and went to untie Wiggins when Wiggins started hassaling me like there was no tomorrow! He said I was a menace to society and other things that really hurt. Like "Vigilatism can only cause the breakdown of our society!" and "Those Beetlerangs are conceled weapons! We have laws in this city!" So, I left him there all tied up. Serves him right, the small-tie-wearin', Dunkin' Donuts coffee drinkin', cop uniform wearin', no comment havin' servant to society.
At this point, The Eradicator was getting pretty sick of me ruining all of his evil schemes. In your face, Eradicator! So, the spoilsport sent a ton of goons called Legion to my hideout to beat me up.

Me and my new sidekick Punisher Boy, were just hanging out, reading Archie comics, when they busted in.	After we made short work of the Legion, the Eradicator's secret weapon, the Atma beast, showed up. Don't let this picture fool you. The Atma Beast is hell on wheels in a fight. No foolin'.
Eventually, I was able to overpower him, with no help from Punisher Boy. That slacker. We decided it was time to take down the Eradicator.	Anyway, I don't know what happened to Punisher Boy after that. As I said, he's a slacker. But it wasn't long before the Eradicator and I were face to face.
He pulled off his hood to reveal his "hideously scarred visage." That guy's such a baby. I couldn't see anything wrong. Oh yeah, Snyglee put the hat on me so don't ask.	Then, The Eradicator went up in flames in a case of spontaneous human combustion! Lucky! I was still tied up and Snyglee shrieked like a girl and ran away. Unlucky!

So, after spending the night tied to a ladder, I wriggled out of the ropes. Fade out, aaaand...roll credits!

But wait...what about the story of HOW this movie got made...